Nice Man, Nice Date...

My final dating attempt was a good experience, and I've decided to quit on a positive note...

I got an email from an older man (54) who asked "Are you real?" He'd read my profile and wondered if I was real or just a fake, marketing profile. He said, if you're real, I'd like to meet you.

Even if this is a line, I think it's a good one. Because, in all reality, I am a little too good to be true...and if I found a man who's at my level and recognizes all that I have to offer, I would be ecstatic! Fred is an engineer, also from the South. His children are grown and gone, so the real viability of a relationship is questionable-men that age do not want to begin parenting again with a pre-schooler. However, he is worth the time to go out on a date and get to know.

We met for a nice lunch, and were both annoyed by the waitress who wanted us to order and move the meal along according to her schedule. We enjoyed meeting and talking a lot, and would not have rushed but for her rudeness. Fred gave the impression of a man with values, and had a "cute" personality. So we spoke about meeting again when we left, and I thought it was a good first meeting.

Later in the week, he called and invited me to a Celtic music concert at the PAC, which thrilled me-I love music and theater, and too many men refuse to attend those venues because they seem too "artsy." So it means he's secure, has culture and class, all of which work for me!

Indeed, it was a nice time. We both enjoyed the concert, and dinner afterwards, with nice company and conversation...and I didn't feel any pressure or discomfort with him. It was just a nice time, and I'd enjoy more of the same.

Of course, he didn't thrill me like Big...but men like Big are rare and precious treasures!

Fred didn't call again, but it's not an issue. He's just dating around like me, and maybe we'll go out again sometime-who knows? But it was a good expereince with virtual dating!

A Real Date with a Real Man!!

Amber here. Well, it has taken me a few months to process my date with "Big."

Big asked me out to dinner about a month after the pulp fiction incident. My face is still swollen in places and painful to touch, and I'm very self-conscious about the scar. I truly expect him to notice, since it was not there when we first met, and I'm debating whether to admit the truth or be embarrassed with the made-up version of being a klutz.

Neither option appeals to me. Fortunately, he doesn't seem to notice.

Even though I look forward to the evening, I'm a little nervous still. And I keep reminding myself that he's very recently divorced. After checking the court records web site, I confirm that his divorce was filed 6 months prior, and final decree issued only 4 months prior. That helps me keep a perspective, because men so recently divorced usually have short-term goals. I prefer to not be the rebound or transitional relationship...

And this is something I had to keep reminding myself all night long, because it's so easy to be with him and talk to him. He's very intelligent, and we talked a lot about travel and politics, two things we have in common, as well as business. He's really a impressive man to me, and I like the fact that he's unassuming, not overly impressed with himself. Arrogance is very unattractive.

And I got the feeling he was also impressed with me, and he made me feel very special in simple ways-the way he helped me with my coat, and the way he held my hand, or put a hand on my back when we were walking together. These simple gestures are remarkable, because it takes a certain degree of polish and sophistication to pull them off without being cheesy or awkward.

And, Damn, he's Hot! HOTTT!!! I have a thing for big, strong, handsome hunks, and he's ALL THAT...I swear, I kept looking into his big green eyes and seeing forever.

And he has the whole evening planned, which impresses me-we had a wonderful dinner at one of the best restaurants in town, and then to a piano bar to hear live music. We only dance once, but I'm glad for that. I enjoy being close to him a little too much. But we talk very comfortably and enjoy the music and singing-I'm impressed that he's such a secure man who enjoys art and culture.

Now, I thinking I have everything under control, and plan to ask him to come in when we got to my house. Not to stay, but to have a drink, or coffee, talk more, make-out a little, ya know? But when we got inside, he kisses me...and I kiss back, and this kiss continues for a dizzying length of time, several minutes at least, with neither of us trying to resist.

Fortunately, he's holding me very tightly, or I would have slid right to the floor, in a puddle of mush at his feet. It was that yummy!

And all at once, I'm ready to take a deep breath, close my eyes and jump off the high dive right into Big, and swim in the warm, strong current of him...Bathe in his deep green eyes...Float between his hands...Forget the recent divorce, forget my own unfinished business, throw caution to the wind and drink him up..............................

Instead, I take a step back, a little imbalanced. I'm terrified. TERRIFIED!

I can't think clearly, and I think my ears were ringing. I put my hand on the door knob and said,"I had a wonderful night, thank you."

Oh, God, I'm thinking, can't I keep him?

With much trepidation and dread, I let him leave. But the feel of Big is still with me now-months later-he's that powerful. He felt so comfortable and familiar to me. Now that I've processed it, I think I know why:

There's one relationship in my past that I can call a "good memory" (remarkable, because it's the one and only bridge behind me that is not a smoking pile of sticks and ash). He was a significant relationship that changed the course of my life ten years ago, at a time when I was starting over, picking up the pieces and "finding myself."

He was a military Captain, very well educated, strong and handsome, very humble, and oh yes-Hot...the hottest I've known so far in 40 years. We had a special connection, a trust and openness between us that is indescribable. And I was comfortable enough to explore with him physically and sexually more than anyone else in my life.

And he encouraged me in a direction I would have never chosen on my own. I am who I am today becauase of my relationship with the Captain. He was very interested in law and politics, and we were on the same side of the fence, which is a crucial relationship issue to me. He was a leader and a teacher to me, but a partner, never domineering or controlling.

And now that I think about it, I think that night with Big, and that kiss, and the familiar feelings and comfort and attraction were so strong because Big is a man very much like the Captain. And even though the Captain and I went separate directions and the relationship dissipated, I keep a good feeling for the Captain in my heart. He's someone special, and I've said many times that I want to spend my life with a man like him.

Big is comfortable and familiar in the same way, with the same kind of attraction that is physical, intellectual and emotional altogether. A rare thing indeed. And he's on the same side of the legal/political fence as me. In fact, perhaps stronger. And it takes a very strong, substantial man to lead me.

As it turns out, I got a message from Big a few weeks later that started, "I met someone about a week ago, and we've been spending a lot of time together..." While I wish him only good things, I hope this is the rebound or transitional relationship that fulfills his short-terms goals.

And I hope to see him again. Because he's definitely the kind of man I want to spend my life with. If he can do that to me with just one kiss, I would love, love, love exploring the rest of what he's got!

But for my part, I would rather have Big as a friend or acquaintance than a smoking pile of stick and ash on the trail behind me...

Pulp Fiction

This is Amber.

I have a pretty busy and hectic life these days, with a full time job/career, being a single Mom, having some social/professional activities and attending church regularly. I've only dated sporadically since being online, but I still like to go out and have fun at times when I have my freedom. My favorite place over the last few years is my neighborhood pub (think "Cheers") where some people know my name...

They serve decent food, and good beer. The atmosphere is sort of a family/neighborly one with lots of smiles and hugs. And the band is world class!! It's a good time just to hang out, listen to them play, and sing along.

One regular Friday night, I met a girlfriend at the pub. We previously made plans to go to my house and sing karaoke after a few drinks. During the evening, this guy came over to talk to me-Derek-and he seemed harmless. He offered me his business card, since our businesses compliment, and I gave him the number on my card, since I didn't have any on me. (happens to be home number, but I didn't tell him that) This is more exchange than I usually give to a guy in a bar, but he was not hitting on me, he seemed nice and charming, not threatening at all.

He did mention a movie that he'd seem recently, and suggested we go rent it. I declined. Some time later, my cell phone rang-Derek was sitting next to me, and said, "They can't hear you from in here, you better go outside." And I did. For about 2 minutes, I left my purse and beer on the bar and walked out to take the call, said I'll call back...Went back in and finished my beer-the second of two for the night.

I left shortly after that, and Derek acted a little wounded that I was leaving. I told him he can call me sometime, he has my home number. I went to my car and drove home 2 miles away-my friend and a guy she knows were to follow me from the pub (not information I shared with Derek, since I had no intention of pursuing anything with him or inviting him along).

My friends arrived at my house about 5 minutes after me, and moments later, my home phone rang. I said it's odd at this hour, and checked the caller ID-it was Derek (his cell number is on the business card he gave me). So I answered, and he asked if I made it home OK...Well yes. Then he said, "So, How're ya doin'?" I thought this was a stupid come-on and I said "I'm fine, how are you?" Then I got off the phone, and my friends and I laughed a little, because we decided he must have expected I would invite him over or something...

Or something is right.

Ten minutes later, we were singing and talking, when I started to feel very strange, and I felt "locked-down" where I could not control my vocal cords or my mouth to sing, or even to speak to tell my friends. I started to feel dizzy, swimming, and I knew something was very wrong. I stood up slowly to try to make it to my bedroom, and paused, leaning on the kitchen counter...that's the last thing I remember.

I regained consciousness to my friends' mania trying to sit me up, stop the blood coming from my face and make sure I wasn't dying. They witnessed me black out and fall face first on to the hardwood floor in my kitchen...

"So, How're ya doin'?"

I recalled the question with a new clarity, and remembered Derek's urging to go outside to take the phone call, leaving my drink at the bar next to him. Stupid, stupid girl.

It took several weeks to heal, and I now have a scar on my nose and one by my eyebrow where my face impacted with the floor. And I have not been back to the pub since.

However, I had occasion to see Sherlock at his place of work the following week, and I told him what happened (fresh wounds on my face to show for it) , gave him a copy of Derek's card. The profile of someone like Derek is actually quite dangerous-acting in plain sight, slick enough to be charming and seem harmless, with major balls to target someone like me. He never actually invited me to leave with him, but to get a movie, and he never quite hit on me or made "advances" like many do (but he's also not aware that I had witnesses in my home when he called me).

So, chalk this up to a lesson learned. I was very angry for a while, and I'm still shocked and in disbelief about the whole thing. Fortunately, I made it home OK, and had friends over to help me so I didn't drown in a pool of blood in my kitchen.

After this, internet dating does not seem so bad!

Oh, FYI-I told everyone that I slipped on the hard wood floor in my soft cozy socks, and hit my face on the way down. Nobody has a problem believing I'm just a klutz. What's that all about?

Marriage Material Part 2

Well, wouldn't you know it. "Big" not only winked back, but asked me to lunch. We traded messages for a few days to set it up, and I started to get nervous about 48 hours in advance of our meeting...I mean, I guess I've just completely lost my mind here...This man is out of my league entirely...

On the day of our lunch, I left the office early and drove a few blocks to the restaurant. When I pulled into the parking lot, I got a small panic attack...Do I look OK? Does this skirt make my butt look too big? Wear the jacket to cover my butt or leave it in the car and be chilly? What are we going to talk about?

I finally called Tiff, and got voicemail. "I'm about to meet "Big" for lunch, and I'm so nervous...I needed you to talk me down." So I take a deep breath and go inside.

This is the awkward part-we've never met in person, and I know I'm looking for a tall man with a beard. Since no one meeting that description is up front waiting, I look around, make a restroom stop to check the lipstick, and go to sit at the bar. When he isn't there after about 5 minutes, I breathe a small sigh of relief. Good, he's a no show...I can relax now.

About that time, I glance toward the front to see "Big" coming in the door...And I almost fall off the bar stool (WOW!).

He looks just like his picture, I'm thinking...and the first words out of my mouth were completely unintelligent. I stuttered and stammered for a moment, and then felt a little unsteady on my feet. (I gotta sit down, I'm thinking.)

So we sit. I begin to get a hold of myself after a few minutes, and we talk over a nice lunch (no clue what I ate). I sat there looking into his big green eyes thinking, "Oh, dear Lord, I'm in "BIG" trouble now-he's irresistible!" And I am pleasantly surprised to learn that he is intelligent and well-educated, very interesting, sophisticated and the list goes on...

He's very recently divorced, and that's a concern. We talk a little about meeting new friends on-line, getting to know people, dating around, things we enjoy doing. And then he said the most astounding thing I've heard a man say in years...maybe ever...

The next time I want to marry someone with a work ethic and a stronger sense of values than my ex...

"Marry, " "work ethic," and "values" all in the same sentence...from a handsome Hotty, no less?! So I bite, and say it sounds like you're not afraid of getting married again. "No," he says, "I'm not afraid to get married again."

Run Amber Run! Run like Hell, and don't look back! This one is too good to be true, and nothing good can come of this...Remember Lot's wife? Flee before the fire and brimstone rain down upon thee!!

"Big" walks me to my car, and we talk for a moment. Then, as if on impulse, he grabs me and kisses me on the cheek, which makes me spin a little...and I like it!

Marriage Material

OK, my profile (Amber) says clearly that I'm looking for friendship...but if Mr. O. SO Wonderful comes along, I am definitely available. The chances are very slim, though, since I'm sooo very selective.

One night after the Sherlock incident I'm searching through male profiles, and I hit one that is exceptional: intelligent, well-educated, sophisticated, classy, rugged, big, strong, hunk, and very good-looking. OMG, OMG...This is "Big"...what do I do?

My first thought is RUN AWAY FAST! ...sign off immediately, forget the screen name, erase the profile forever, and forget it. Why?

Many reasons, including potential rejection (after Sherlock, not feeling very confident...even switched anti-perspirant). Or, how much more trouble can I have in my life? Not really interested in finding out the answer. Did I mention that I'm a direct descendant of Job-you know, the plague, pestilence and endless suffering guy from the Bible?

But the real reason IS this: I still believe in relationship and marriage, and if faced with the right man, I might C-O-M-M-I-T (Shhhhhhhh...it has more than 4 letters, but the effect is the same). And the right man has all the attributes described above, and makes me weak in the knees...

Did I mention that "Big" describes his best feature as his chest? (Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?....yes...Yes...YES!)

So, I throw caution to the wind and send "Big" a wink...he won't respond, right? I'm not what he's looking for, certainly not...

Issues...

After going several weeks with no real action on the dating site, I (Amber) am contacted by a man whose photo is not posted. Undaunted, I read his profile, and found it interesting--enough to write back and request a photo. He's a little older, but in a reasonable range, and he writes that he has a high profile job, calls himself "Sherlock".

He did send a picture, and I find him attractive-certainly not an ogre or Quasimoto...but here I must digress:

I married a big handsome hotty hunk of a man. Think Mel, Arnold, Brad...

And it was the biggest mistake of my life, so far.

His looks were not the only attractive qualities about him, because we had a lot in common and we had a good time together, while it lasted. But I must admit that it made me feel beautiful to be "chosen" by a man who looks like a movie star.

So, at this point, looks are only a factor to be considered. I want to be attracted to someone phycially, but that's only one of many considerations. I can't get into someone who is not attractive, or to whom I am not attracted, which is partially physical. But I am less interested in physically attractive hotties now. After my experiences, I'm interested in finding a good man to spend time with. (period)

Digression over.

I exchange messages with Sherlock for a couple of weeks, and I learn that he is in law enforcement, a "ranking" official, so to speak...this is definitely uncharted waters for me. But I admit to an interest in CSI and FBI profiling, and he seems very nice, so what the heck...when he asks for my number I give it to him. But I tell him if he gives me any trouble, I'll definitely call the police. He's amused.

We talk together easily, and he continues to call for about 3 weeks. I really enjoy talking to him, because he is intelligent, charming and understanding. And we have some common ground, as our professions are somewhat parallel...so we make plans to meet for lunch. When he came to pick me up, Sherlock suggested that he just drive up to the curb so I can get into the car (obvious police vehicle) and we won't look like we're meeting for the first time. OK.

We have a nice lunch, and I am really comfortable, like I am with someone I already know because of the hours spent on the phone talking. He drops me off after lunch, and says, "I'll call you tonight."

That call never came.

After talking for weeks, almost nightly, he cut off communication completely. BOOM!

I was stunned, and I'm still stunned, because it seems so out of character. Rest assured, I already checked him out, and I know he's truly divorced, and he is who he represents himself to be. So, I guess I don't meet his expectations, or something...Bad breath? B.O.? Food in my teeth? Butt too big?

(I had a ghetto booty long berfore J'Lo made it popular!)

A few days later, Tiffany told me that Sherlock contacted her, based on her profile. Like a true friend, she thanked him for the compliment, and advised him that we are friends. About a week later, he sent me a message that still doesn't make a lot of sense to me: essentially that he doesn't think it will work out.

Huh? And I'm thinking he's the nicest man I've met in, how long? Years?

And I still miss his calls. It's like I've lost a good friend. I don't understand why we could not be friends and continue to talk, maybe "hang out." Does he have issues, or is it me? My profile clearly states that I'm looking for friend, to take it slow, no rushing into relationship, because they take time.

Oh, I forgot...can't really tell by a profile. I'm wondering if the reverse thinking applies-if I say I'm looking for a new husband, will I find friends? Need to ponder that...

Self assessment

A week or so ago I ran across the profile of a guy who went to my high school (although I didn't know him then). We also went to the same university - his bachelors degree, my graduate degree (so we weren't there at the same times). Small world, I thought, so I emailed him that. He responded with a thanks and suggested that we meet.

I didn't really look at his profile in the dating sense - my mistake - but in looking at it again it appears that we do have some things in common, some important things are different. But you can't really tell much by some profiles. I responded with a suggestion that we email a little bit to get to know each other just a bit - such as first names - before meeting and he responded.

After a round of emails two things became apparent. First, he said he was specifically looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage. I have never understood having a goal of marriage. I can understand wanting to meet the right person for a lasting relationship but, to me, marriage is a natural progression within a relationship, not a goal. Anyone can get married - but being meeting someone who becomes your best friend and eventually becoming happily married to them is quite an achievement.

Second, I realized that the thought of meeting a stranger for a prospective friendship (let alone one looking for marriage) scared the bajeebers out of me. Ouch. Not a pleasant thing to realize about oneself. The confident businesswoman by day had turned into a whimp in the dating world. How did this happen? When? I meet people every day at work but not for dates. And, truth be known, that's why I think people should meet to see if friendships can develop and, if so, if any romantic attraction grows between friends, attraction inside and out. It takes the pressure off.

Still, I'm a whimp. It was much easier when the matches who winked at me or emailed me were obviously not a match - 20 years older or younger, only interested in sex or in using someone, etc. It's not so easy to honestly assess myself now. If and when I gain any insights on this, I'll let you know.

- Tiffany

Younger men

As if on cue, the moment after I posted the previous blog about the wink from the great grandpa and my stand against men wanting women half their age, I received a wink from a man who is almost 20 years younger than me. He's a cute guy who has winked and emailed before. Let's just say he's honest in his communications: in more specific terms, he says he's attracted to my build.

Right. This is not the stuff that long-term relationtrips are built on.

Maybe I'm a little flattered but . . . no, the kid's wink is really about as uncomfortable as the old man's wink.

Do I just not get it?

How about just old world?

At least Amber was forewarned about Dud. Sorry, Dude. It took me a few dates before I learned that he has a unique definition of "old world values."

Today I received a wink from a man who was simply "old world." He is in his late 60s and, I thought, surely be someone's great-grandpa. My initial thoughts quickly scaled from shock and horror to eeeeewwwwwwww. Great-grandpas aren't supposed to date. I think it's illegal. Or should be based simply on the unpleasant visuals it fosters.

My thoughts then moved toward curiosity and amusement. I phoned Amber to share the moment.

According to his profile, great grandpa probably didn't want to have more children. (Wise decision, I thought.) The two children that he does have no longer live at home. (Well I would hope not.) He has an outdated pilot's license. (Is this supposed to be appealing? He didn't mention the status of his drivers' license). He graduated college in 1965. (I have no personal recollection of that era.) He enjoys partying to a degree. (I just can't go there with this.)

After writing that he doesn't like yelling in arguments, he writes "If you are a screamer do not contact me. " Hmmm . . . are we talking about the same thing?

Perhaps that's my real point. People from different generations use different words and terms, have different interests, and have different benchmark memories. What does he think we could possibly have in common? What would make him think that I would find him more appealing than men, say, my own age? What is he thinking?! Amber and I finally concluded: he's not thinking.

This does beg the question: Why are most men on this particular dating website looking for women half their age . . . or 10-15 years younger? Why are men not interested in women their own age?

Men reach their sexual peak much earlier than do women. Men generally do not live as long as women. What makes men think they can keep up with younger women in any sense of the word?

Any man interested in women his own age gets a butt-load of kudos from me. In fact, I find that very sexy. To me, that seemingly small geture means a guy has confidence in himself as a man. No signs of mid-life crisis. Yes . . . definitely very sexy.