Marriage Material

OK, my profile (Amber) says clearly that I'm looking for friendship...but if Mr. O. SO Wonderful comes along, I am definitely available. The chances are very slim, though, since I'm sooo very selective.

One night after the Sherlock incident I'm searching through male profiles, and I hit one that is exceptional: intelligent, well-educated, sophisticated, classy, rugged, big, strong, hunk, and very good-looking. OMG, OMG...This is "Big"...what do I do?

My first thought is RUN AWAY FAST! ...sign off immediately, forget the screen name, erase the profile forever, and forget it. Why?

Many reasons, including potential rejection (after Sherlock, not feeling very confident...even switched anti-perspirant). Or, how much more trouble can I have in my life? Not really interested in finding out the answer. Did I mention that I'm a direct descendant of Job-you know, the plague, pestilence and endless suffering guy from the Bible?

But the real reason IS this: I still believe in relationship and marriage, and if faced with the right man, I might C-O-M-M-I-T (Shhhhhhhh...it has more than 4 letters, but the effect is the same). And the right man has all the attributes described above, and makes me weak in the knees...

Did I mention that "Big" describes his best feature as his chest? (Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?....yes...Yes...YES!)

So, I throw caution to the wind and send "Big" a wink...he won't respond, right? I'm not what he's looking for, certainly not...

Issues...

After going several weeks with no real action on the dating site, I (Amber) am contacted by a man whose photo is not posted. Undaunted, I read his profile, and found it interesting--enough to write back and request a photo. He's a little older, but in a reasonable range, and he writes that he has a high profile job, calls himself "Sherlock".

He did send a picture, and I find him attractive-certainly not an ogre or Quasimoto...but here I must digress:

I married a big handsome hotty hunk of a man. Think Mel, Arnold, Brad...

And it was the biggest mistake of my life, so far.

His looks were not the only attractive qualities about him, because we had a lot in common and we had a good time together, while it lasted. But I must admit that it made me feel beautiful to be "chosen" by a man who looks like a movie star.

So, at this point, looks are only a factor to be considered. I want to be attracted to someone phycially, but that's only one of many considerations. I can't get into someone who is not attractive, or to whom I am not attracted, which is partially physical. But I am less interested in physically attractive hotties now. After my experiences, I'm interested in finding a good man to spend time with. (period)

Digression over.

I exchange messages with Sherlock for a couple of weeks, and I learn that he is in law enforcement, a "ranking" official, so to speak...this is definitely uncharted waters for me. But I admit to an interest in CSI and FBI profiling, and he seems very nice, so what the heck...when he asks for my number I give it to him. But I tell him if he gives me any trouble, I'll definitely call the police. He's amused.

We talk together easily, and he continues to call for about 3 weeks. I really enjoy talking to him, because he is intelligent, charming and understanding. And we have some common ground, as our professions are somewhat parallel...so we make plans to meet for lunch. When he came to pick me up, Sherlock suggested that he just drive up to the curb so I can get into the car (obvious police vehicle) and we won't look like we're meeting for the first time. OK.

We have a nice lunch, and I am really comfortable, like I am with someone I already know because of the hours spent on the phone talking. He drops me off after lunch, and says, "I'll call you tonight."

That call never came.

After talking for weeks, almost nightly, he cut off communication completely. BOOM!

I was stunned, and I'm still stunned, because it seems so out of character. Rest assured, I already checked him out, and I know he's truly divorced, and he is who he represents himself to be. So, I guess I don't meet his expectations, or something...Bad breath? B.O.? Food in my teeth? Butt too big?

(I had a ghetto booty long berfore J'Lo made it popular!)

A few days later, Tiffany told me that Sherlock contacted her, based on her profile. Like a true friend, she thanked him for the compliment, and advised him that we are friends. About a week later, he sent me a message that still doesn't make a lot of sense to me: essentially that he doesn't think it will work out.

Huh? And I'm thinking he's the nicest man I've met in, how long? Years?

And I still miss his calls. It's like I've lost a good friend. I don't understand why we could not be friends and continue to talk, maybe "hang out." Does he have issues, or is it me? My profile clearly states that I'm looking for friend, to take it slow, no rushing into relationship, because they take time.

Oh, I forgot...can't really tell by a profile. I'm wondering if the reverse thinking applies-if I say I'm looking for a new husband, will I find friends? Need to ponder that...

Self assessment

A week or so ago I ran across the profile of a guy who went to my high school (although I didn't know him then). We also went to the same university - his bachelors degree, my graduate degree (so we weren't there at the same times). Small world, I thought, so I emailed him that. He responded with a thanks and suggested that we meet.

I didn't really look at his profile in the dating sense - my mistake - but in looking at it again it appears that we do have some things in common, some important things are different. But you can't really tell much by some profiles. I responded with a suggestion that we email a little bit to get to know each other just a bit - such as first names - before meeting and he responded.

After a round of emails two things became apparent. First, he said he was specifically looking for a relationship that will lead to marriage. I have never understood having a goal of marriage. I can understand wanting to meet the right person for a lasting relationship but, to me, marriage is a natural progression within a relationship, not a goal. Anyone can get married - but being meeting someone who becomes your best friend and eventually becoming happily married to them is quite an achievement.

Second, I realized that the thought of meeting a stranger for a prospective friendship (let alone one looking for marriage) scared the bajeebers out of me. Ouch. Not a pleasant thing to realize about oneself. The confident businesswoman by day had turned into a whimp in the dating world. How did this happen? When? I meet people every day at work but not for dates. And, truth be known, that's why I think people should meet to see if friendships can develop and, if so, if any romantic attraction grows between friends, attraction inside and out. It takes the pressure off.

Still, I'm a whimp. It was much easier when the matches who winked at me or emailed me were obviously not a match - 20 years older or younger, only interested in sex or in using someone, etc. It's not so easy to honestly assess myself now. If and when I gain any insights on this, I'll let you know.

- Tiffany

Younger men

As if on cue, the moment after I posted the previous blog about the wink from the great grandpa and my stand against men wanting women half their age, I received a wink from a man who is almost 20 years younger than me. He's a cute guy who has winked and emailed before. Let's just say he's honest in his communications: in more specific terms, he says he's attracted to my build.

Right. This is not the stuff that long-term relationtrips are built on.

Maybe I'm a little flattered but . . . no, the kid's wink is really about as uncomfortable as the old man's wink.

Do I just not get it?

How about just old world?

At least Amber was forewarned about Dud. Sorry, Dude. It took me a few dates before I learned that he has a unique definition of "old world values."

Today I received a wink from a man who was simply "old world." He is in his late 60s and, I thought, surely be someone's great-grandpa. My initial thoughts quickly scaled from shock and horror to eeeeewwwwwwww. Great-grandpas aren't supposed to date. I think it's illegal. Or should be based simply on the unpleasant visuals it fosters.

My thoughts then moved toward curiosity and amusement. I phoned Amber to share the moment.

According to his profile, great grandpa probably didn't want to have more children. (Wise decision, I thought.) The two children that he does have no longer live at home. (Well I would hope not.) He has an outdated pilot's license. (Is this supposed to be appealing? He didn't mention the status of his drivers' license). He graduated college in 1965. (I have no personal recollection of that era.) He enjoys partying to a degree. (I just can't go there with this.)

After writing that he doesn't like yelling in arguments, he writes "If you are a screamer do not contact me. " Hmmm . . . are we talking about the same thing?

Perhaps that's my real point. People from different generations use different words and terms, have different interests, and have different benchmark memories. What does he think we could possibly have in common? What would make him think that I would find him more appealing than men, say, my own age? What is he thinking?! Amber and I finally concluded: he's not thinking.

This does beg the question: Why are most men on this particular dating website looking for women half their age . . . or 10-15 years younger? Why are men not interested in women their own age?

Men reach their sexual peak much earlier than do women. Men generally do not live as long as women. What makes men think they can keep up with younger women in any sense of the word?

Any man interested in women his own age gets a butt-load of kudos from me. In fact, I find that very sexy. To me, that seemingly small geture means a guy has confidence in himself as a man. No signs of mid-life crisis. Yes . . . definitely very sexy.

"Old World Values" Dude

Yes.. that's what "Dude's" profile read-"Old World Values" and he wrote about his close relationship with his teenage son and how much he respects women. So, he not only winks, but he sends a message telling me (Amber) that I'm really beautiful, and he wants to meet me. His profile is interesting, but his photos are not good.

I don't mean that he's homely, but that he's posted the worst pics in the world, and they are just not flattering.

Anyway...I thought I would check him out, since he looks good on paper-bad pics and all. When I call Tiffany to tell her about him, her reaction is "Ohhh-him." She tells me they had a "thing" a few years ago, and he's not really a "Values" type of guy! She encouraged me to meet him anyway, just to see f0r myself.

Traded messages with "Dude" for a couple of weeks, and he was very appropriate, nice even. He asked for my number, and we talked on the phone a few times, and then made plans to meet for coffee. (At this point, I'm skeptical, because I trust Tiff's judgment, but I figure it can't hurt to meet.)

We met for a casual coffee and talked about an hour-he seemed very nice, intelligent, well-rounded, and he's tall and nice looking. I'm wondering if maybe Tiff was wrong, or that her experience was the exception. I leave, and we make no other plans, but he says ,"I'll call you." Fine with me-no rush, no desperation...

I'm drivin' down the road, about 10 mintues later, andI get this text message from "Dude." It starts off "You're beautiful...driving me crazy." I reply with a polite thanks. The it's "Baby you're so hot..." and goes down hill from there.

OMG-Did he think I was gonna turn the car around and meet him on the roadside for some back seat action? What the Hell?

I played it for a little while, and he wrote that he would "get me all wet...at the lake." I wrote that it sounded like fun, and he wanted me to define the fun.

Spending the day at the lake, of course-what else?

Needless to say, we never met again. Because he was looking for an easy lay, and not someone attracted to "Old World Values." And I never would've guessed it from the time spent trading messages, talking on the phone, or meeting in a public place for coffee.

Now, I've considered that my charm, beauty and sex-appeal are so powerful that even men with values can't control themselves in my presence. Yea, there's that...

But to behave like a cave man during mating season when you've just met-c'mon...get real! That's a huge Red Flag that this guy's got some serious issues. Why can't he just put that in his profile:

"Man with issues, needs woman for cheap sexual thrills, preferably at will. Will you do me, please?"

Because there are chicks who will repond to that-especially if the guys got money and a nice car (like "Dude"). Why disguise it for women like me and Tiff-what's up with that?

NEXT!!