A Real Date with a Real Man!!

Amber here. Well, it has taken me a few months to process my date with "Big."

Big asked me out to dinner about a month after the pulp fiction incident. My face is still swollen in places and painful to touch, and I'm very self-conscious about the scar. I truly expect him to notice, since it was not there when we first met, and I'm debating whether to admit the truth or be embarrassed with the made-up version of being a klutz.

Neither option appeals to me. Fortunately, he doesn't seem to notice.

Even though I look forward to the evening, I'm a little nervous still. And I keep reminding myself that he's very recently divorced. After checking the court records web site, I confirm that his divorce was filed 6 months prior, and final decree issued only 4 months prior. That helps me keep a perspective, because men so recently divorced usually have short-term goals. I prefer to not be the rebound or transitional relationship...

And this is something I had to keep reminding myself all night long, because it's so easy to be with him and talk to him. He's very intelligent, and we talked a lot about travel and politics, two things we have in common, as well as business. He's really a impressive man to me, and I like the fact that he's unassuming, not overly impressed with himself. Arrogance is very unattractive.

And I got the feeling he was also impressed with me, and he made me feel very special in simple ways-the way he helped me with my coat, and the way he held my hand, or put a hand on my back when we were walking together. These simple gestures are remarkable, because it takes a certain degree of polish and sophistication to pull them off without being cheesy or awkward.

And, Damn, he's Hot! HOTTT!!! I have a thing for big, strong, handsome hunks, and he's ALL THAT...I swear, I kept looking into his big green eyes and seeing forever.

And he has the whole evening planned, which impresses me-we had a wonderful dinner at one of the best restaurants in town, and then to a piano bar to hear live music. We only dance once, but I'm glad for that. I enjoy being close to him a little too much. But we talk very comfortably and enjoy the music and singing-I'm impressed that he's such a secure man who enjoys art and culture.

Now, I thinking I have everything under control, and plan to ask him to come in when we got to my house. Not to stay, but to have a drink, or coffee, talk more, make-out a little, ya know? But when we got inside, he kisses me...and I kiss back, and this kiss continues for a dizzying length of time, several minutes at least, with neither of us trying to resist.

Fortunately, he's holding me very tightly, or I would have slid right to the floor, in a puddle of mush at his feet. It was that yummy!

And all at once, I'm ready to take a deep breath, close my eyes and jump off the high dive right into Big, and swim in the warm, strong current of him...Bathe in his deep green eyes...Float between his hands...Forget the recent divorce, forget my own unfinished business, throw caution to the wind and drink him up..............................

Instead, I take a step back, a little imbalanced. I'm terrified. TERRIFIED!

I can't think clearly, and I think my ears were ringing. I put my hand on the door knob and said,"I had a wonderful night, thank you."

Oh, God, I'm thinking, can't I keep him?

With much trepidation and dread, I let him leave. But the feel of Big is still with me now-months later-he's that powerful. He felt so comfortable and familiar to me. Now that I've processed it, I think I know why:

There's one relationship in my past that I can call a "good memory" (remarkable, because it's the one and only bridge behind me that is not a smoking pile of sticks and ash). He was a significant relationship that changed the course of my life ten years ago, at a time when I was starting over, picking up the pieces and "finding myself."

He was a military Captain, very well educated, strong and handsome, very humble, and oh yes-Hot...the hottest I've known so far in 40 years. We had a special connection, a trust and openness between us that is indescribable. And I was comfortable enough to explore with him physically and sexually more than anyone else in my life.

And he encouraged me in a direction I would have never chosen on my own. I am who I am today becauase of my relationship with the Captain. He was very interested in law and politics, and we were on the same side of the fence, which is a crucial relationship issue to me. He was a leader and a teacher to me, but a partner, never domineering or controlling.

And now that I think about it, I think that night with Big, and that kiss, and the familiar feelings and comfort and attraction were so strong because Big is a man very much like the Captain. And even though the Captain and I went separate directions and the relationship dissipated, I keep a good feeling for the Captain in my heart. He's someone special, and I've said many times that I want to spend my life with a man like him.

Big is comfortable and familiar in the same way, with the same kind of attraction that is physical, intellectual and emotional altogether. A rare thing indeed. And he's on the same side of the legal/political fence as me. In fact, perhaps stronger. And it takes a very strong, substantial man to lead me.

As it turns out, I got a message from Big a few weeks later that started, "I met someone about a week ago, and we've been spending a lot of time together..." While I wish him only good things, I hope this is the rebound or transitional relationship that fulfills his short-terms goals.

And I hope to see him again. Because he's definitely the kind of man I want to spend my life with. If he can do that to me with just one kiss, I would love, love, love exploring the rest of what he's got!

But for my part, I would rather have Big as a friend or acquaintance than a smoking pile of stick and ash on the trail behind me...